#I DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT WHATS GOING ON HERE BUT IT LOOKS GOOD AND LIKE ITLL RIP MY HEART OUT
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lokk
okay im not changing this one instead of rbing it
this is the wettest saddest and cattest
pls voice actor stop youre killing me
'i said good day' - im going to destroy things. oh fuck i genuinely ripped out some hair out just now
bitttttttttttttt hc djgbf reuildgujriweflxsx,xsx,. this,, ive seen this months ago who couldve known
i need to take this thing away from the situation he has been causing for the last who knows how many years
STOP TALKING ABOUT SUICIDE MISSIONS????????????????
NO BITCH IT CANT END HERE NO STOP
'your boy hiccup' hshshs
aw theyre locking him uppp OH THEY TIED HIM UP GODDAMN FOUR TIMES ALREADY !!
idk its so funny for me how he flies as fast as he can at that gronkle. so serious
no this cant be his suicide run he got a triple stryke to ride at least once !!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
oooo hes using astrid's advice- so cool aughh dagur
this fucking tiny fight is so well done. he just messes with her OF coourse hes her brother ofc its all silly and shdfvhdjas cute !
fuck no it looks like that screenshot i dont love that. please dont die please dont die
MAN HES SO BADDDDDAAAAAAaSSSSSSSSSSSSS AUGHHHHHHHH
HE DIDNT DIE GANG !! HE DIDNT DIE ! HE WAS RIGHT !! HES SO CLEVER AUGH !!!!
dang his new 'frowning for 3 seconds then snapping into :))))' thing is So him. and So cool. So beautiful. like almost like his old 'calm + playing + messing aroung snapping into yelling and screaming and throwing up' thing. bro must be so tired of this shit honestly
FUCK IT LOOKS LIKE THAT SCREENSHOT AGAIN WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME
pls return ? pls dont die here ?
PLEASE ???
BITCH NO
.
so rtte...............
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I don't need another fucking hyperfixation on a indie video game. Not right now. I am 50k words into a full slow-burn multichap fanfic that is gonna take me at least until the end of this year to finish.
#I DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT WHATS GOING ON HERE BUT IT LOOKS GOOD AND LIKE ITLL RIP MY HEART OUT#chat do I buy In Stars and Time? I have like 10 video game wips#Every once in a while I see something I know COULD be a hyperfixation but I'm still riding the high of the 2year CotL hyperfixation#And I don't think it's gonna end soon but I don't want to tempt that with Shiny New Object
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tbh I find it kinda annoying the way people think they have to put down sincaraz to bring up igaryna, they can both be good in their own way
if it makes u feel better i dont put sincaraz down to bring up igaryna i just dont find sincaraz that interesting
#sorry i dont know if you were referencing me calling them boring or if this was completely unrelated 😭#i am genuinely not trying to be harsh here but i must be honest!#they ARE both good in their own way but sincaraz is good in a way that does not cater to my preferred ship dynamics lol#they make perfect sense! they just do not move me so much anymore#they are fun because they are obvious and easy.#but once i get past the initial 'omg look at these idiot loverboys' im kinda just standing there like. well. what's there left to do#if i didn't already like jannik and carlos individually im sure id be sick of them by now (cough cough [REDACTED])#but no this is definitely not a sincaraz vs igaryna world this is an igaryna world with an occasional sincaraz interlude#and for other people it is the other way around and that is perfectly fine! and for others they dont give a shit about either!#i would say generally im not like a ship hater (except for—no. i will be civil) but i also do have ship opinions that i *will* express!#rarely will i say explicitly that i think a ship is downright bad but i will say if i personally dont like it#even if i *do* think a ship is bad i try my best to keep that to myself. especially if i know the ship is popular or liked by mutuals#actually you know i have a really good example of—[i am yanked offstage by a vaudeville cane]#who am i kidding no one is going to read these tags. whatever. this is my internet
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okay maybe I should seriously reconsider my path in life and sell my soul to marketing or journalism instead
#okay venting in the tags you are very welcome to ignore or not respond to it i just need to yell somewhere#i always thought id be an art therapist because well i care about people and want to help them and love art#but everyday i wake up feeling like a fraud and an imposter so like. should i really be doing all that when im not entirely#certain i cpuld handle it??? like i know i haven't gotten the meaty bit of the education towards that yet but like#university costs a disgusting amount of money here and if i pick the wronf thing im likely doomed forever thanks to awful government#i know things could get better like they did after thatcher but honestly im not putting any bets on it considering how the current labour#party is so like if i fuck up here im basically dead#also can i actually do art uni. like could i cope with that. im deeply unethused with art at the moment and honestly will i evwr be#idk#it was jusr a thing i always did but education around it is fucking soul sucking#also the emotional weight of hearing and solving people's problems as a therapist. i would consider myself quite empathetic for the most#part i feel other people's pain quite strongly and obviously as a therapist id be feeling that quite a bit so could i actually cope with it?#ik therapists have therapists but still#i mean im doing work experience at an occupational therapy place so ill just be extra inquisitive about it all to make sure im going#the way i wanna#I'll be fine by the end of a levels ill probably understand what i want in life#if not then gap year to work it out#should probably look at unis for english language too then#sigh#ucas website i may as well marry you#ill be okay im getting in my head about stuff im actually pretty good at art even if there are things i can improve on (like patience lol)#yeah maybe the voice telling me i suck doesnt know shit and should shut up#yeah#shut it nasty voice you're wrong actually!!! im doing just fine and you're being overly critical#they should make a brain that's your friend and not mush that hides the amalgamation of every bad thing ever in its crevices#crevices shoyild be filled with kindness and love.#sex jokes about that#why the fuck is yahoo mail syncing i dont use you you washed up search engine#bue waffling#vent post
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oh god genbu and aiko are going to be locked in some kind of purgatory dimension forever
#the ahs standards will probably be good though they're always on that shit#it SEEMS to heavily imply (based on this being the only mention of std voices) that they're not compatible concatenatively?#maybe? RIP but plus vers of all the standard banks would be quite fun - thats really exciting!#especially the kotonoha sisters. they have a neutrino but only if you buy their a.i.voice and neutrino has no dedicated editor#so it'll be cool for them to have some kind of AI bank!#alas genbus like trapped in some kind of IP licensing relationship breakdown hell at all times and aiko. well shes probably easier#maybe? wait is animen alive. wait hold on are they alive. okay well anicute is still up#WAIT ALSO RENRI i like forget about svs renri LOL shes so fucked up <3#her utau bank is fantastic. her svr1 is decent. i dont know what happened with svs. shes so bizarre sounding <3 <3 <3#people make fun of genbu because hes got a couple glitches here and there and his lite is very A3 but man#if you wanna talk about a fucked up voicebank renri svs is WILD. why's she whispering at me like that. she sounds kinda pissed off?#but shes also free so it doesnt matter that much LOL and shes a little hard to get 'cause u need to fill out a form#i wonder what her plus bank would sound like if they did it. could they even do it?#anyway this is all loose speculation it looks like a shitload of info is happening right now but#i need to go to bed i have thesis shit to do tomorrow..... but ouhhh i wanna read about vsynth news instead.... ouhhghhhh
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guy who has only read kekkaishi, watching interstellar for the first time: wow this guy is soooo sumikocore
#just thinking thoughts...#good news everybody! interstellar was great!!#so sad that I got to watch it and karasuma didn't. I think he would have liked it#and yoshimori? he would have been devastated#I think it goes like this. sen would ask yoshimori and tokine to watch it at the theaters with him bc he doesn't want to watch it alone#knowing nothing more than sen said someone else said it was really good#they go. movie starts. when it becomes clear that the dad is going on a trip to save the world and he will likely never return#tokine starts shooting angry glares at sen who is staring defensively back like I did not know about the plot dont come after me#obviously yoshimori is crying sobbing at multiple points#like audibly dry heaving in the theater. other people are looking at him. he doesn't care he's having a moment with his mom#when the movie ends and they go to Birdy's (knockoff Denny's) for dinner#he smiles placidly and goes 'damn it was nice that she got to see her dad just once before she died' with the musou and everything#and sen and tokine are both tryna be like. damn. um. are you okay brother. and they know he's not but also don't know what to do#two weeks later an interstellar dvd arrives at their place and sen and tokine are having a hushed whisper argument about it#like yeah that was a good movie but why would you order this#what the fuck are you on I didn't order it can you stop just assuming shit???#and yoshimori just comes by and goes 'oh nice it's here!' and casually grabs it from them#and trots off to a distant part of the house and they can audibly hear him go#'hey dad I watched this awesome movie with sen and tokine a while ago we should watch this together some time'#THE END. thanks for reading this comic with me that's in my head. you should be able to see it
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and btw im in my hater arc rn. as time goes on the more i find a lot of 'fandom' stuff insufferable (i like art n stuff. just the way that fandom refits every media to fit a single mold and set of boring archetypes is exhausting.)
i just get really easily annoyed lately. and have been unfollowing people on a whim a lot. its not personal i promise
#fandom culture has made me actively dislike shit i was fixated on a year ago. looking at your ninja turtles#its not even like what they were doing were particularly offensive it was just exhaustingly boring#im sorry i just really dont care about ur 2 million fics about leo being a sadboy. or one million seperated aus.#theres definetly a part of the whole situation in general which has been me coming to terms with my own internalized misogny#actively re-examining my tendencys to gravity towards male characters#idk maybe its making me dislike art more. but idk. ive always analyzed why i react certain ways to certain things. this isnt new for me#anywaays. i had been following a bunch of ninja turtle blogs and they sorta kept messing around with shows like ninjago too#and at some point i was just like. i dont know if these shows are actually that good guys. i think youjust like shows for little boys#and fandoms tend to shaft female chars so it sure helps that their casts are 98% male .#maybe theyre not your blorbo maybe theyre just Guy McAverageMan. thats not inherently bad but you have to consider it.#guys rottmnt is isnt even that good . its not that good ok. its alright/pretty good. and the movie does a few neat things#i feel like ive become one of those people that turn 18 and then immediately go 'minors dni'. im not there yet but i just.#we're watching kids shows. its ok . you can say it.#you may have noticed ive been reblogging a lot of dungeon meshi stuff. i read it all over the past week.#but here's the thing. i thought it was mid/good for like 70% of it.#i think its got some really really cool worldbuilding ideas and stuff#but i think a lot of the writing was sorta. uninteresting to me.#my discord friends have been raving over izutsumi for months.#but i found her presence in the story to be weird and underdeveloped. she felt out of place and her introduction felt clumsy#i felt when the story was ramping up the manga got a lot better. because again theres some rlly cool ideas at play#all the shit with the lion? incredible. the way all the infighting led to more problems bc the elves refuse to explain anything? rlly good.#marcille landing in power? reallly good shit. (i still thought it was a lil undercooked still tho)#i cant stop thinking about laios in that climax scene. i think he shouldve been feral a lot more often#uhh. i got distracted. fandom bad and annoying.#saw a post talking about marcille realizing izutsumi is only 17 and then describing how 'omg shes a mom now' and i wanted to throw up#im done. i swear. im done talking for real. aagh#text
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reading about detention centres (australia) lowk pissed
[more shit in tags]
#first of all theres so much info they leave out#and theres shit thats outright wrong#and i doubt most of australia even knows about it :/#love the fact that they keep children in places similar to prison and make it sound like thats humane 🥰#'they came here illegaly' bitch dont punish them for that (if their country was safe they wouldnt do that)#not to mention that they seperate families (although this may be a specific case i need to ask more questions)#the places they are kept in are shitty as fuck#it looks like jail#i remember being little and the teacher was teaching us about this topic#and when she asked each of us if the humans in detention centres deserved it#everyone said yes#what#the#fuck?#im going to rb with photos brb#idk head not good at typing
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Hey guys. gay rights
#i already made the sonic one a while bc yknow. kinnie stuff youve all seen my blog theme#but then i was wearing my Fearless Year of Shadow(tm) shirt along with it and my irl bff was like.#'why are you wearing a sonic bracelet with that shirt if you love shadow so much 🤨' *#(he doesnt know much about sth stuff but ive infodumped abt shadow and his backstory to him many times)#and i was like 😭😭 BECAUSE I DONT HAVW A SHADOW KANDI BUT I WANNA MAKE ONE. I WILL SOON#so. now i do!! taking my ad/derall on the weekends always make me want to make more kandi. its great!#and yknow what else it makes me want to do...... talk more on here >:3333#me and my dad are gonna go to a local jazz festival this afternoon bc our jazz combo is playing at it!!#itll be fun. my dad said hes gonna get some food from this really good breakfast place on the way thwre#which is not the best part. the best part is outside the shop there is a wonderful kitty cat who hangs around the parking lot#bc hes owned by the ppl who own the bar right next door#its so great. everybody knows him (the cat) and loves him. the v/ape shop next door has a tip door set up for him even though the#bar owner ppl take care of him and take him to the vet nd stuff. my dad found a faceb/ook page somebody made for him#and apparently it just has pictures of ppl at the bar holding him. its so great and hilarious. this cat is so loved#by the v/ape shop people. by random people at this beachtown bar. by the breakfast shop people.#anyways uh. this post was abkut kandi wasnt it 😭😭😭 lol#cherry chortles#anyways the add/er/all also usually makes me want to look at and sort through my pkmn card collection. so imma do that#because my dads friend (and my friend too i guess! me and him exchange cat photos bc he has this adorable chunky cat named gremlin) that we#play bar trivia with on tuesdays (dw its not really even a bar. its mostly a restaurant) asked me abt my pokemon card collection#bc the final question was to put a few franchises (it was like. dora the ecplora and spide/rman etc. and pokemon) in order of revenue#and obvs pokemon was the top. bc of factors like the trading cards so thats how that came up#we didnt bet any of our points btw but we almost! got it right! the order was pk/mn dora spidamen friends (the tv seies) but we had spidman#as second. but we still won!! our team is on a two game winning streak!!! we always split the money so next week ill get another 8 dolla >:3#wow i havent hit tag limit yert#lol. yall'll open the 'see all tags' thing and boom. do you love the color of the sky type shit 😭😭😭#sorry that sounds too much like aave. i (white baby) cant be sayin that#cherrys kandi#okay well i had a tag with a verse from the ultimarw showdown bc i didnt know what else to say#but with my kandi tag and these two tags i have hit tag limit. thank you folks ill be here all night
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what's the theme you're fucking going for here voliiii!!! what are you fucking getting at!!! what are you trying to say, what's the point??
#still working on this drama chapter in Swept Up. they're. confusing to work with? from an empathy standpoint at least.#skill who is trying to honestly understand the other skills VS skill who is just always lying and putting on an act.#and then theres the whole thing that im not going to spoil yet but the dynamic. fuck man. i dont even know what im trying to say here#lying is bad? no i dont care about that. honest communication is important maybe? i feel like i need a central theme for this.#and i dont want the theme to be ''empathy good'' because low-empathy people are also good and i love them!! and also:#empathy is a flawed character!! i try to portray this. i dont like moralism/centrism which empathy believes in and is the main skill for#empathy you stupid centralist (affectionate) i know this is just because you don't know how to make everyone happy. who can fix this?#you dont think you can fix this! you feel too much debilitating sadness to make meaningful change!! responsibilite to others more capable#still. i do depict empathy as often kind on a small level because i think that's in character. empathy just helps you understand.#i guess this fic is also a ''empathy doesn't mean kindness. kindness is a choice you can make afterwards but empathy just means empathy''#but that's not a centralizing theme that all the chapters share. its also about vulnerability and the mortifying ordeal of being known#urgh. i'll think about it some more. knowing me its probably another ''love (in all forms) is the meaning to life'' type story lmao <3#i need to make a skill chart for this harry. all i know is that Volition is his skill signature but Empathy is his highest stat#hyper-empathetic harry with the rsd that comes from adhd!! haha!! suffering. everybody fucking hate you. this is based on me btw lmao#i was working on voli's chapter which has a flashback and child empathy! new to the mindspace looking out through harry's eyes and crying#the world is full of sad people and it's just too much for a lil guy! the backstory i have planned for this like. huh okay. wild. anyway!!#oh shit ive made a fucking breakthrough with the drama chapter. its not a theme but its something i figured out at least. we stay winning!!#chemi chats#task: swept up
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THEY'RE DOING FUCKING WHAT FOR A CROWN OF CANDY????
#literally pissing and shitting myself rn#yall dont even know ive never said on here but d20 aCoC is literally like#the entire reason i started being more confident in my D&D games and i actually started trying character voices#like you can see a notable shift in our session recordings from when i started watching it#i mean u cant bc i dont post them lmfao#but there is a very clear line#is my voice for sorbet 'good' ??? not really but you know what i got over my fears bc of d20#literally my favorite d&d thing i have ever watched and one of the only ones ive ever been able to get through all the way#like i was HOOKED#i'm going to lose it#i hope its just as good#but also worried because what draws me to d20 vs cr is the vibes the group brings and how it's very very good but not . 'cinematic'?#that may be the wrong word#i also havent watched cr since like season 2 besides clips so i admit i may be wrong dont come for me#but i am really looking forward to this amethar was my favorite#crying screaming frowing up#im going to be so normal about this#a crown of candy#dimension 20
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cant sleep because i cant stop thinking about how the mechanic was a bit of an asshole to me for no reason when i got my car finally taken in
#adw's ramblings#'i could tell your car's been sitting for a month' yeah i wouldve moved it sooner if it could. you know. start#'the sun here drains your battery you should be able to pick it up once i charge it' that car has been#jumpstarted five times in the last week and not once has it stayed alive long enough to leave the parking spot#three of those times it died while the starter was still hooked up and on#and one of those three times the starter was the tow truck (she didnt want to go into neutral so the driver gave her a quick spark)#(it was the most pathetic sounding attempt to start i've ever heard her make)#guess what i didnt get the call to pick up my car today#i know im 5'2" and look several years younger than i am but god can you not be so condescending#and like whatever its not the only time this sort of shit will or has happened to me i know#but im already stressed about the car and im not great at sleeping to begin with so this is like the cherry on the cake#i was baking until 11:45 last night in a dorm kitchen#but i dont have milk so i can't make the muffins or quick breads i have mixes for#and guess what i need to get milk.#a working car#not that i need more baked goods im not convinced my roommate and i can make it through the cake i made before it goes bad#i'm very stressed and anxious and a little bit angry and its all just. ughhhhhhh#if you made it this far down the tags uhh here's a cookie i guess 🍪#you can imagine it's one of the ones i made yesterday#or technically the day before yesterday since it's past midnight here
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so has anyone checked rusty quill's youtube lately
#what the fuck what the fuck what the FUUUUUXK#there's a TWO HOUR video up that is apparently jonny and alex reading fanfic#on the one hand that sounds really fucking funny but on the other hand i'm horrified oh my god#i thought it was them like reviewing that shit or something but NO ITS THEM READING IT OUT LOUD I THINK??? WHICH IS WORSE????#i would say i'm conflictdd but i'm not actually i'm just feeling both HORROR and morbid fascination#i looked in the comments bc that seemed like a good in between from 'i refuse to watch that' and 'i have to know what's going on here'#i think i've read like two of the fics in there#or only one but i recognize one of the authors (bluejayblueskies my beloved)#anyways#D:#tma#bluebird.txt#IS ANYONE ELSE SEEING THIS#like okay fanfic is totally a valid form a writing and whatever etc etc but what's weirding me out is the WRITERS of the SHOW#being like hey let's do this#NO!!! THE SHOW IS OVER BUT DONT DO THAT!!!!!#and that's where the morbid fascination kicks in bc now i wanna know what the fuck they thought or said about it#GAH#i'm making this face so bad right now -> D:#like that drawing of the cartoon guy sitting at his computer and looking horrified#GOD what's going ON bro 😭😭😭😭😭😭
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I Really need to properly draw Christopher at some point but everytime I want to I just look at her in game sprite and weep for her truest form has already been achieved. What's even the point. This is her in the flesh.
#rat rambles#oc posting#lobotomy posting#Im ofc lying she does in fact have a skin tone and is tall and lanky but how am I ever going to do her beautiful face justice#its a shame that her hair is hard to see in this screenshot since it adds to her girlfaluire vibes I think <3#all nuggets with her top hair are kinda ugly and the braids are not saving her (deeply deeply affectionate)#she's rocking the ugly hair And sanguine desire and the stupid monocle. she truly has it all I adore her#she may be the most neglected of the lets beat eachother to death polycule but she was my og favorite of the three#I do also have actuall thoughts abt her character and am having them as we speak but its very important to understand she has maybe my#favorite in game sprite of any of my nuggets I Adore her#I love it when character creators spit an ugly thang at you I love designs that are just so ugly in very simple ways#designs that are ugly for being overdesigned aren't it tho Unless theyre incredibly tacky then theyre fun again#but yeah every other time a nugget of mine has gotten sanguine desire Ive hidden it instantly but christopher was built for it#imagining her without it now is so scary to me. which is also why I Know I wont be able to do her justice drawing her#I cant draw lips I suck so fucking bad at it and I know I can simplify it and likely will but thats not my girl!!#but yeah I adore this woman I need to have images of her but alas. my hands cannot capture her image as it was meant to be 😔#but yeah unfortunately she has the sad fate of being the most normal person of the three which is wild for her because well. look at her.#she should be a complete and utter freak and she is to a degree its just that mirabelle 'has fully torn off and eaten her partners lower#jaws several times' maes and river 'actively goads people into beating the shit out of him so he can be the shit out of them later' skye ar#e there to make her seem like a normal person who fell in too deep in comparison#shes not necessarily a normal good person mind you but she was not prepared to be stuck in a long term relationship with those two#shes very obsessed with feeling in control and is in hard denial abt the fact that shes very much not in control of her current situation#in general I imagine she isnt very good at gauging when shes in control of a situation but usually if all else fails shes in the past been#able to just fuck off and leave but she very much cannot do that in lob corp#shes just as stuck here as everyone else and shes not about to go for the die and hope you arent brought back approach#so she cant actually like. fully get away from them. so she just sort of pretends this is what she wants and that shes in control still.#this is easier with river than mirabelle since river wants a back and forth cycle of violence while mirabelle just wants to fuck with her#but dont get it twisted shes being played like a fiddle on both sides shes just desperate to feel like shes not#like despite how violent the trees relationship is she really wasn't a violent person before all this#real upsetting stuff for her that she only starts to recognize after she gets dumped in ruina
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today 2 years ago i was in america and i had the worst hangover of my life and i was in a waffle house with my friend in awkward silence bc we’d fought in a stranger’s kitchen the night before and the server refilled my water for the 5th time while i fought to swallow half a forkful of hashbrowns and she said “i know that look, y’all had a good time at the superbowl last night” and i was thinking actually we had a mediocre time at a nerd bar where u throw darts and all the drinks r named weird things and anyway my friend gives the fakest laugh ive ever heard followed by “yep we sure did” like are we in a CW show right now what was that line delivery and also what even is the superbowl i was born here and should know but honestly i’ve always just pictured everyone gathering at a comically large bowl of cereal but her nametag says leslie and she’s really nice and she’s refilling my water for the 6th time so yeah sure whatever i’m a red blooded american i’ll be anything for leslie in this moment anything and she tells us stories about working at bars downtown and my friend tells me bad jokes and i feel a little better even though my heart is kind of withering away because my flight is in 17 hours and theres not enough time never enough time i won’t see him for another year and a half and i won’t ever see leslie again and if i ever run into the italian stranger who fell in love with me over darts then it won’t be the same because we won’t be dancing and i’m sitting in a waffle house while the sun sets and i’m sweating gin and tequila and my flight is in 16 hours and i have so many goodbyes to say in this
city because when i was fifteen somebody threw my glass heart onto the floor of my childhood house and bits of it shattered everywhere and fell into the cracks of the floorboards and behind the fridge and i’ll never ever get them out much less back together but i feel like ive been trying for eight years all the same and my flight is in 15 hours but maybe if my friend brings me home now i can spend three of those looking for more shards even though i’ll cut my hand because time never wore down any of the hurt because time might heal wounds but it cant really do jack shit about a metaphysical glass shard its still gonna make me bleed and my friend brings me home and we curl up beside each other in my childhood bedroom thats too small for us it was really a supply room but it became my bedroom when i was eleven and i painted it blue and put up stickers of fish and never took them down but someone someday will take them down and hopefully the house burns to the ground before anyone can touch them theyre mine i grew up here theyre mine dont touch them dont please dont please please please i grew up here and my flight is in 12 hours now because i fell asleep beside my friend and he let me because he knew i needed it he kept watch even though we dont have time we never do because he has to go now and all i can give him is a hug and my hoodie to keep safe until i can see him again and fight him in a stranger’s kitchen again and the sun is gone now and i go and i sit with my dad and my flight is in 10 hours and im trying
not to cry im trying to stare at the stickers because maybe if i look at all of it hard enough i’ll get to stay but i dont because thats not how it works and now my flight is in 4 hours because i fell asleep in my childhood loft bed and now i have to leave i have to pack up and go for the fifth time and it never never gets easier and i know i only have a few more trips left until someone takes my stickers down and paints over my ocean but for now my best friend’s stepmother comes with me and my dad to the airport because my best friend is in college two states away and my flight is in 3 hours and i cry i cry so much and she cries too because she loves me and i think it is such a beautiful blessed thing that i am so loved but oh it is so painful too because i spend more time in its absence than its presence and my flight is in 2 hours and i have to go and my dad is waving goodbye and i see it because i looked back because im stupid i always look back i never look forward i’m forever walking blind through my life because i’m looking back and i can tell my dad is crying and now i have to go through TSA sobbing and it’s awkward because they ask are you okay kid and im not but i cant tell them sorry its just that when i was fifteen somebody threw my glass heart onto the floor of my childhood house and bits of it shattered everywhere and fell into the cracks of the floorboards and behind the fridge and i’ll never ever get them out i cant tell them that so i nod yes im okay and i go and my flight is in 1 hour and i hope it fucking crashes and my flight is in the air and im so far away from all those shards on the kitchen floor now but they’re hurting me all the same and i think i look kind of insane sobbing in the middle seat but how can i miss so many people and so many rooms at once and not lose my mind a little bit? i was going to tell you a short witty little joke about the time i realized i was 21 and didnt know what the superbowl was but i think i slipped on a shard. i’m sorry. maybe next time i’ll get it right. maybe in another two years. maybe you’ll never see me again. maybe this is all the time we had.
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